I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Bring me that man meat
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
