Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
