I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
