I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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