I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
