I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
