Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
There r osticjed everywhere
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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