I cockslap morals
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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