we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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