I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
