I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
