mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
