genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize