You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
