She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
