why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
