I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
