I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
