Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
