I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
