Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
