remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
