it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
