If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
