Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
