they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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