I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
