I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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