May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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