this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
