just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
