Cold hands, warm shart.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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