Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
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