Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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