def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize