Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
