Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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