I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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