When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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