i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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