I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize