If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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