Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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