Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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