Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
