every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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