pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
