If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
