yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize