bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
