just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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