2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
