they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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