I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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