Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
