Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
