My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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