3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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