You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
